Confession

You can’t win them all.  It’s true.  You have to pick your battles.  Also true.  What’s painfully true about my life right now is that I don’t feel I’m winning at anything.  There are so many battles, I can’t keep track of them, much less pick the ones to face.  I’m spitting as hard as I can, trying to put out the forest fire ablaze in my house.  Each night I go to sleep only to wake up, gulp down a cup of coffee, and do it all over again.  It’s like the movie “Groundhog Day” but nobody’s laughing.

Last Tuesday was particularly one of those days.  I woke up to my older two children fighting and my baby crying, so I huddled under the covers for a minute thinking, “I don’t want to do this today.”  I’ve been mulling over this for almost a week now, amidst the snow and ice that has surrounded us since then.  It seems cliche to still wrestle with God’s goodness after being a believer for so long. I mean, outwardly, I have no reason to doubt, but the longer I live, the more hurt I see and the more pain I feel.  Probably because of all the time I spent on stage growing up coupled with my tendency for the over-drama, I get all Hamlet-like in these moments, frozen and wondering, yet completely unable to hold a thought in my head.

Stonewall Jackson is quickly becoming one of my favorite historical characters.  We live pretty close to the battlefield where he earned his name and in learning about him I’ve come across a couple of quotes that are attributed to him that I love.  One such is, “My religious belief teaches me to feel as safe in battle as in bed.”  How can this be?  Only through trusting a Creator, Maker, Sustainer, and Savior who cares about every sparrow.  And if the sparrows, how much more for me?  I’m not worthy, but I’m called, and for this calling I HAVE to believe that the very hand of God Himself will sustain me.

So, I pray before my feet hit the ground for His help, gulp down my coffee, and begin again.  Because the snow may be fresh and piled up again, trapping us inside for another day, but His mercy is new also.

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